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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035720">Scarlet Stains and Sapphire Does Not</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangezekooo/pseuds/orangezekooo'>orangezekooo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A Critique If You Squint, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Study, Getting to Know Each Other, Idol AU, Idol!Kaworu, M/M, Rating May Change</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:07:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035720</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangezekooo/pseuds/orangezekooo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tabris was his idol. He was kind, he was talented, he was beautiful! He was... perfect.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ikari Shinji &amp; Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Red, Red Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shinji sat on the train, a boy around his age sitting directly across from him. The sound of cicadas echoed in the distance and the orange glow of summer’s dusk enveloped the carriage.</p><p> </p><p>The boy spoke, but no words came out. His lips were moving, but he had no voice. Shinji heard him whisper in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shinji, Shinji-kun… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Shinji wanted to reach out to the boy. Shinji wanted to touch him. Shinji wanted to feel the body heat that radiated off his skin.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m here, I’m with you. I’ll always be with you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>But, for some reason, Shinji couldn’t move. He was glued to his seat, unable to get closer to the other boy. Shinji could only stare as the boy smiled gently at him and opened his arms, as if inviting Shinji yet simultaneously mocking his frozen state. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Everything’s all right. Don’t worry about a thing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The train started going faster, and faster, and faster. Shinji wasn’t sure if trains were supposed to go this fast.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You’re safe. I’ll protect you. Nothing will ever hurt you again.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Orange sky turned crimson. The chatter of cicadas grew incessantly. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Won’t you stay here with me, Shinji-kun?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Shinji wanted to say yes, he wanted to scream it.</p><p> </p><p>Like a switch, the boy’s smile fell. He retracted his arms from the empty embrace and stood up, as if taking back his silent offer as the railroad crossing signal rang violently in the air. Nervous eyes followed his figure as he walked towards the door connected to the other carriage.</p><p> </p><p>Where was the boy going? Was he going to leave Shinji here? Alone? <em> No, come back! Come back!  </em></p><p> </p><p>Before the boy left, he stopped just in front of the door and looked at Shinji from over his shoulder. A sliver of hope found its way to Shinji as he connected eyes with the boy. Frantic, Shinji hoped that his expression gave away how much he didn’t want the other boy to leave. The boy merely smiled before turning away.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> No, don’t lea--! </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Idiot!”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji jolted awake to a shrill scream and the deafening pounding at his door. He sat up languidly, his limbs numb from sleep and his mind clouded with mild confusion. He blinked a few times to adjust his blurry vision. </p><p> </p><p>“Stupid Shinji! Hurry your ass up before I knock the damn door down and drag you out myself!”</p><p> </p><p>Oh, right. Asuka. They were supposed to walk to school together. </p><p> </p><p>Not wanting to face Asuka’s wrath so early in the morning, Shinji got up and opened the door before her impatience could wear thinner than it already was. Upon doing so, he was faced with Asuka’s red, frustrated face only mere centimeters away from his own. If he leaned in, he was sure that their lips would touch. He backed away instinctively.</p><p> </p><p>“What the--! Why are you not dressed!? Don’t tell me you just woke up!”</p><p> </p><p>Before Shinji could reply, Asuka let out a loud groan and stomped off to the kitchen, yelling something about Shinji owing her breakfast for being such a waste of her time. Thanks to his rather rude awakening (credited to Asuka), Shinji was more or less awake, his body now able to move without fatigue and to his bathroom safely without the risk of tripping and fracturing his skull. No, that wouldn’t be any good. He was sure if that happened Asuka would be yelling over his corpse, complaining and swearing in German about his nasty blood on the floor and refusing to clean it up. Yup, he was sure that even in death, he would still be haunted by Asuka’s loud voice ringing in his head.</p><p> </p><p>While brushing his teeth, his mind wandered back to the dream he was having before Asuka’s intrusion. White skin, white hair, red eyes… Shinji smiled at the image. Despite not remembering the details very clearly, he instantly knew who it was: Tabris, his idol. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji’s been a fan of Tabris for a while now. Actually, he was the reason Shinji woke up late in the first place, as Shinji drove all the way to the other side of town to watch Tabris’ evening radio show interview. It had been quite a drive due to the traffic caused by the surplus of eager fans like Shinji and the fact that he has never been good with directions, thus resulting in him ending up confused and lost for the umpteenth time. However, by some miracle, Shinji made it to his destination in the end. And boy, was the trouble worth it. Although Shinji had seen Tabris in person multiple times before, he still found himself in utter awe whenever graced by Tabris’ mere presence. To strangers, it might  seem strange or boring to watch some person talk for an hour and a half, even if Tabris was a celebrity. Shinji, however, beg to differ. Shinji could watch Tabris talk for hours. He took in each and every time he gracefully crossed his slender legs, every time he would smile a secret smile when he found a certain question to be amusing, every time one of his little quirks made an appearance that would go unnoticed by everyone but Shinji -- Shinji absorbed everything. Shinji found Tabris’ voice especially alluring. His voice was smooth and clear like a wind chime on a particularly windy day. It never failed to calm Shinji down; it put him at peace, like a lullaby. At that moment, Shinji never cared about anything else but Tabris. Tabris is all that mattered as Shinji’s world faded and centered its spotlight towards one boy on the other side of the glass. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Shinji could still remember the day he became a fan. He discovered Tabris roughly three years ago when Shinji was in his final year of highschool. It was after another bland day of school when he arrived at his apartment complex that he shared with his temporary guardian, Misato. He opened the door to be met with Misato sprawled out on the carpet nursing her Yebisu while she watched whatever was on the television. He scrunched his nose at the sight. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What a slob.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was always a bit disappointing (yet never surprising) to find that Misato hadn’t changed her ways, along with the fact that she simply never bothered to. Weren’t women supposed to take care of themselves? Weren’t they supposed to be tidy? Weren’t they supposed to know how to cook? And, more importantly, weren’t they supposed to dress appropriately around men!? Shinji was a man, after all! She had to be more aware! </p><p> </p><p>Shinji took in her attire; she wore a taut, yellow tank top which accentuated the outlines of her braless breasts, tucked into tantalizingly revealing denim shorts that held no room for the eyes to be curious. A familiar heat spread across his cheeks and he quickly averted his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>A burp erupted from the woman’s lips, and, just like that, Shinji was reminded who exactly he was staring at. </p><p> </p><p>Already accustomed to Misato’s forgetful and rather lazy nature, Shinji made a beeline towards the kitchen to get started on the dinner that was supposed to be prepared hours ago. Who was he kidding? Misato couldn’t cook to save her life! (Though, she could’ve at least <em> tried </em>…) </p><p> </p><p>After he was done preparing their meal, he called out to Misato to let her know supper was ready. A few beats passed and Misato still hadn’t moved nor answered. Exasperated, Shinji called again. Silence. </p><p> </p><p>This was typical, Shinji supposed. But that didn’t mean it was okay! Shinji went out of his way after a long day of school to cook for them when it was <em> Misato’s </em>duty to do so, so she could’ve at least answered him and not ignore him! Mildly irritated, Shinji undid his apron and made his way to the living room to call her once again. (He wouldn’t yell, though. Shinji never yelled, especially to adults, even if it was just Misato.)</p><p> </p><p>“Miss Misato, I called you twice already.. I said that I finished preparing the food...” </p><p> </p><p>Misato didn’t bother to look at Shinji. She continued to take sips of her beer and would occasionally scratch her back like an ape. </p><p> </p><p>Uncomfortable by the lack of response, Shinji awkwardly hovered by the doorway and fidgeted with his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>After what seemed like a century, Misato finally looked back at Shinji and blinked rapidly, as if she just noticed that Shinji was there. He ripped his eyes from her gaze and directed his attention to the old fisherman on her beer can. The old man looked so happy, so blissfully ignorant. It’s probably because of the big red fish, Shinji guessed. What a lucky catch. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Shinji-kun! What was that? Sorry, I was just watching this thing,” Misato replied after the abnormal lapse of silence, not at all sheepish. </p><p> </p><p>“I said that dinner’s ready,” Shinji sighed. “What were you watching anyways? You seemed to be really into it.”</p><p> </p><p>At the mention, Misato visibly brightened, “Right! You might not really know much about it since you’re not interested in this kind of stuff, but I was watching Idol Starlight! It was a boy group day, so only the male idols were performing today. Girl gotta study the competition, gotta be prepared!”</p><p> </p><p><em> When you could’ve attempted to make dinner </em>, Shinji thought. </p><p> </p><p>“And I was about to change the channel because there was no way that these boys could ever compare to NERV’s, until this boy showed up! I’ve never seen anyone like him… He was white all over except for his eyes! His eyes… they were bright red, like blood! Kinda eerie lookin’, if you ask me! But in a weird, beautiful way, you get what I mean?”</p><p> </p><p>Disinterested, Shinji nodded half-heartedly. When Misato rambled she never stopped. <em> But what’s this got to do with dinner?  </em></p><p> </p><p>“Anyways, this pretty boy was super talented! He stood out to me out of all the members that were in his group. Heck, out of all the idols that performed today! He’s got his own unique style, I guess. In that kind of industry it’s crucial to be unique, to be special. That’s what gets the attention… and the money..!” </p><p> </p><p>Albeit Misato’s drunken stupor that Shinji was now aware of, he digested the sentiment that she provided. Misato worked as a manager for the idol agency that his father was the CEO of, so he trusted that Misato knew what she was talking about, especially if she spoke with such vigor. Misato had always taken her job seriously. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Those types of idols were hand-picked by people like his father. Huh. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Look!” Misato yelped, snapping Shinji from his thoughts. “There he is now..!”</p><p> </p><p>Reluctantly, Shinji looked up. The boy sang as he danced around the stage, as if it were his personal concert and his group members were mere backup dancers. Neon lights surrounded the stage and fanned back and forth, a marvelous light show that came alive and roared like a hungry lion. Though, none of that really mattered to Shinji. All Shinji could see was <em> him </em>, and he only had one thought:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He’s beautiful. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>First (posted) fic ever! I love EVA a lot and Kawoshin is TheStuff™, so yeah... I'm planning for this one to be hella angsty, so don't expect for good things to happen often, ahaha....</p><p>Constructive criticism is welcome!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. She Said, "Fear Not, Mary!"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Upon his reminiscing, Shinji completely disregarded the ticking time bomb that was Asuka Langley Souryuu. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you dead or just retarded!? I said hurry up! I’m starving and it’s your fault, Stupid Shinji!” Asuka hollered from the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>In fear of the girl’s spite, Shinji hurriedly spat out the remaining toothpaste foam and rinsed. He then splashed his face with cold water as an attempt to rid of his morning lethargy before changing into a fresh set of clothes and made his way to the kitchen where a very impatient Asuka awaited him. The mirror remained unused. </p><p> </p><p>“Coming! I’m coming!”</p><p> </p><p>Asuka snorted and gave him the stank eye, “You wish, loser.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji rolled his eyes at the girl’s immaturity. It was best not to reply whenever Asuka made such remarks. Actually, it was best not to reply to most things Asuka said. </p><p> </p><p>Instead of getting into an argument, Shinji busied himself by preparing their breakfast while Asuka blabbered on about whatever hot new gossip she shoved her nose into this time (why was it that girls never talked about anything else?<em>)</em>. Bacon and eggs, classic for Asuka who absolutely refused to eat the Honey Nut Cheerios stored neatly atop his pantry shelf. He carefully patted down the bacon with a paper towel to remove the excess grease (Asuka was very adamant that he does this, lest he cause another flurry of complaints) and served it onto a plate alongside scrambled eggs in front of the hungry girl. She pounced on it instantly while he settled across from her, calmly eating his Cheerios.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess you really are good for something!” Asuka managed between mouthfuls (was that a compliment?) before wolfing down the rest of her breakfast. </p><p> </p><p>After the two finished their breakfast, they headed down the street to walk to the university. </p><p> </p><p>Asuka jabbed him in the side. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t walk so close to me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want anyone to see me with the likes of <em> you </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“And stop replying with ‘okay’, it’s annoying! Okay, okay, okay! Is that all you can say? Are you even listening to me!?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>She jabbed him again, <em> hard</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji often wondered why he still put up with her, or rather, why she put up with <em> him</em>. They met at 14 in their third year of middle school. Asuka was a transfer student from Germany who strutted down the halls with her chest puffed out and her head held high. Her presence commanded attention from practically every student for her exotic beauty and boisterous demeanor. Almost immediately after she introduced herself in front of the class, everyone swarmed her, eager to befriend the new student -- everyone but Shinji. He sat at the very back of the classroom, too afraid to join in and too awkward to do anything with himself. All he could do was sit there and silently marvel at her. </p><p> </p><p>In any other circumstance Shinji would’ve been surprised, but because he was a lone soul among the sea of empty desks, it was only a matter of time before she noticed him. He just didn’t expect her to actually approach him... And with everyone watching…</p><p> </p><p>Their eyes connected and her formerly brilliant eyes turned glaring, causing his own to widen and shake. She sped-walked towards him and slammed her hands onto his desk. There was a brief lapse of silence until it was broken by her thundering voice, “Why the hell were you looking at me like that, huh? Are you a pervert or something!?”</p><p> </p><p>And that was how they met. At least Touji and Kensuke got a good laugh out of it. </p><p> </p><p>From then on, Asuka never let him be. For what reason? Shinji didn’t know. It became their routine: she would kick his desk, proceed to berate him, then go hysterical whenever he apologized. It wasn’t long before she grew tired of it and told him to stop apologizing because it was “pathetic” and “annoying”. Since then he tried not to apologize as much (at least, not around her). <em> Tried. </em></p><p> </p><p>Their routine ceased one Friday afternoon. Class ended for the day, eliciting students to file out of the classroom. Excited voices echoed down the hall, conversations about boring lessons and plans for after-school hangouts with friends faded as they walked further and further away from the classroom. The classroom was swept clean of any human existence save for Shinji. He remained seated at his desk as he watched the birds in the sky, SDAT plugged in one ear with Track 25 and 26 alternating on repeat. A particular bird caught his interest. A magpie of some sort, he vaguely recalled. Its wings dipped and ascended, sweeping through the air carelessly. It looked so at peace with itself, so liberated. </p><p> </p><p>His thoughts were cut short when a familiar kick to his desk nearly shook him out of his seat. A frowning Asuka towered over him with her hands at her hips and her bag at her feet. Shinji looked up at her, confused and shocked.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m coming over to your place for dinner,” she announced before pointing to her bag. “And you’re going to carry that for me because I’m tired and it’s a man’s duty to carry a lady’s bag for her.”</p><p> </p><p>Still baffled at the unexpected turn of events, Shinji continued to stare at her, mouth agape like a fish out of water. He took out one earphone to hear better. That seemed like the wrong move, as she painfully flicked his forehead and stomped her way to the door with a huff. </p><p> </p><p>“W-wait!” Shinji sputtered. “W-why do you want to go to my place? I mean, can’t you just eat at your own house..?”</p><p> </p><p>Asuka stopped at the door, back turned. She murmured in a low voice, uncharacteristic, considering how <em>loud</em> she was, “I saw your bento today... Whoever made it must be a really good cook because it looked delicious....”</p><p> </p><p>His… bento? <em> All I had was some rice with fried vegetables…  </em></p><p> </p><p>“Uh.. It was alright, I guess... “</p><p> </p><p>All of a sudden, her voice turned sharp.</p><p> </p><p>“Did a girl make it for you?”</p><p> </p><p><em> A girl!? Wh-- how did she even come up with that assumption!? </em>He flushed at the misunderstanding.</p><p> </p><p>“N-no! Of course not!”</p><p> </p><p>This time, she sounded… relieved..? </p><p> </p><p>“Your mom?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, she’s um, dead.. She died when I was three…” </p><p> </p><p>A weighted silence filled the room and he internally slapped himself. <em> Why did you tell her that!? She didn’t ask, she doesn’t even care about you! What’s wrong with you!?  </em></p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t long before the awkwardness started to settle and he rushed to correct his mistake. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, but I don’t live alone! I live with someone my dad works with.. Er, I guess it’s more like she’s his employee… My dad owns this huge company, you see? She’s a grown woman, but she’s not really the best cook, so I have to do all of the cooking for the both of us… It’s pretty ridiculous, haha….!” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh God, you’re rambling…  She probably thinks you’re such a weirdo now! You’re such a social failure! Why are you like this!?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The curtain fluttered in the wind and he briefly considered hiding behind it. Or, maybe he could choke himself with it.  </p><p> </p><p>Then, in the quietest voice that Shinji’s ever heard from her, she spoke, “I see.” </p><p> </p><p>Without any indication that the conversation was over, she briskly exited the room, her Mary Janes reverberating off the walls. </p><p> </p><p>“Hurry up! I don’t like being kept waiting! And don’t forget my bag, you’re still carrying it!” she called.</p><p> </p><p>For a minute, Shinji sat there, unmoving. He tried processing what had just transpired but stood up promptly after hearing Asuka bark at him from the hall. He grabbed her bag and hurried to follow her.</p><p> </p><p>The whole experience was beyond odd. Asuka endlessly chatted throughout the trip to his apartment while he spared her little response (this bothered her a little, but she was noticeably a lot less hostile than her normal self. But then again, Shinji supposed this wasn’t a normal day). Once they arrived, Asuka greeted Misato with a,<em> “Guten tag!” </em>which Misato squealed at and proceeded to rant nonsensically about first times and Shinji growing up so fast with faux tears in her eyes. Whenever Misato questioned about the nature of their relationship, he vehemently tried to redirect the topic and nervously laughed it off instead of answering. Asuka, however, was unbothered by Misato’s assumptions and shut her down by insulting him and openly showing disgust at her insinuations. </p><p> </p><p>After they had finished their meals (courtesy of Shinji), Asuka abruptly announced that she was going to stay over. Shinji’s instinct was to flat out refuse. He wasn’t going to even bother asking her why, he did <em> not </em> want her over and was adamant in voicing just that. She, however, like always, was one step ahead of him and beat him to it. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s suuuuper dark outside and my house is suuuuper far away. There’s no way I’m going out in <em> that </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>And so, there they were, sharing Shinji’s room due to the limited number of bedrooms (the living room wasn’t even considered. That place was a pig sty, littered with Misato’s beer cans and documents from work). They faced opposite directions and made sure their futons were as far apart from each other. Shinji didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep. How could he when a <em> girl </em>was in his room, Asuka, of all people? The rift separating them was eventually closed, as Asuka had gotten up and moved her futon next to his. She was so close that their feet touched and he felt the suppleness of her toes against his own. It made him shiver. He assumed that she thought he was asleep -- the Asuka he knew would seriously murder him if she caught him awake.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t get the wrong idea,” she mumbled. “I was just cold, Stupid Shinji.” (Nevermind, she was indeed, conscious.) </p><p> </p><p>Shinji didn’t get a wink of sleep that night but got up anyways at five in the morning to take a cold, cold shower. It was a Saturday, too. </p><p> </p><p>Something in their dynamic shifted ever since. Their school routine didn’t change, but now they walked to and from school together (Asuka lived further from Shinji than she did from school, so this didn’t really make sense to him) and she showed up uninvited to his apartment every now and then. Sometimes she would even randomly send a text demanding that he meet up with her because she needed someone to see this new movie with but all her friends were busy, or that she needed a mule to carry her shopping bags for her. They fought more frequently instead of Shinji passively taking the blows to her harassment, and he felt substantially less apprehensive around her as they spent more time together. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji didn’t know what caused this change but decided not to ponder over it. Something inside of him told him not to. It was as if it were some forbidden secret, as if it were the deep, dark sea -- a big, black, rapacious pit waiting to swallow anyone who dared to enter. He didn’t know how Asuka would react either if he were to question her. She was so contradictory sometimes, so it was always a gamble guessing what was on her mind. He did not want to take that risk. Whether to think about it or ask her were dangerous waters. To dip his toe into it was a delicate thing, as if the slightest touch would consume him whole and leave nothing in its wake. </p><p> </p><p>Even now he still wondered about <em> this </em> , about <em> them </em>. But it never breached the surface of the simple ‘why’. He preferred if it stayed that way. </p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>---</p><p>
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</p><p>Asuka rested her hands against her head as she walked, nose pointed towards the sky as she carried the air of royalty that always seemed to accompany her. </p><p> </p><p>“I was going to walk with Hikari-chan today but she caught a fever last night. It’s such a P.A.I.N to walk with your wimpy ass in the morning, but I was feeling generous today. No need to thank me.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji grunted and kicked the pebble in front of him. <em> Right.  </em></p><p> </p><p>“You’re the one who moved in right next to me. If you didn’t want to walk with me that bad then you should’ve moved into another apartment...”</p><p> </p><p>She stomped on his foot, <em> hard </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“Shut up! The only reason for that was because of your cooking! Why do I have to cook if you can cook for me? It’s called being efficient, Stupid Shinji. And plus, Misato’s apartment is nearby too and I’d rather talk with her than with you!”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji scoffed, “The talent you two share is your inability to cook, what a co--”</p><p> </p><p>She cut him off, effectively deflecting otherwise humiliation had he continued, “Oh look, we’re here! Finally! My suffering had been put to an end! I guess God really does exist!”</p><p> </p><p>A fraternity of high-pitched voices grew nearer -- a signal that queued for Shinji’s to leave. He ducked his head and veered from the flock that circled the now exuberant girl. No goodbyes were given. There never were between them. </p><p> </p><p>He continued on his own to his first class, finance. Once, his father told him that Shinji would have to take over his company one day, so it was crucial that he majored in one of the business courses. Shinji didn’t necessarily dislike learning about stuff like money and the economy, but it didn’t interest him either. Though, he didn’t know what he would’ve taken as an alternative. </p><p> </p><p>Hours of lectures passed like a breeze. Classes were repetitive; listen, take notes, repeat. It was repetitive, but easy. Shinji liked easy. </p><p> </p><p>Just as the buzzer signaled the end of his last class, he received a text from Asuka:</p><p>
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  <em> Asuka: going out with some friends. try not to get too lonely without me lmaooo.  </em>
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</p><p>So he was going alone this time. </p><p> </p><p>As he started heading to the transit station, a blue car swerved in front of him, sending him tumbling down the rough asphalt. A mild pain made its way to his left palm and he suspected it was bloodied and dirtied with crumbs of the asphalt and pebbles. The window of the car rolled down and an apologetic Misato looked down at him. </p><p> </p><p>“My bad, in a bit of a rush! Get in!”</p><p> </p><p>The buzz from the near death experience prevented him from forming a coherent sentence. He looked up at Misato with a half incredulous and half mortified expression on his face. </p><p> </p><p>“M-Miss Misato!? Wh-what are you doing!? You could have killed me!”</p><p> </p><p>Instead of answering, she ducked her head back into the car and smacked the left-side door. </p><p> </p><p>“Pedal to the metal, we gotta go!”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji released a quivering breath before he dusted himself off and strapped into the front seat. The engine roared and he reeled back against his seat at the sheer speed that hit him. He gripped the handrail until his knuckles turned white and used the other to clutch the edge of his seat like his life depended on it.  </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She’d definitely going above the speed limit.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Miss Misato! I think you’re going too fast!” he cried.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t be helped! I’m meeting with someone real soon and time’s money!” </p><p> </p><p>He shut his eyes and prayed that the distant police siren he was hearing was just his mind playing tricks on him. </p><p> </p><p>Apparently he was just hallucinogenic, as there were no cop cars in sight (thankfully) when the car came to a stop and he opened his eyes. The tall building of NERV Entertainment dominated their view and stood proudly before them, the shiny red label glinting in the sun. </p><p> </p><p>By the time he could open his mouth, Misato had already grabbed his wrist and started to drag him  around for whatever business she had here. The urgency in her steps wore him out but he forced himself to keep going. </p><p> </p><p>“Your work? Weren’t you just here?” he managed between pants. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I was sent to pick you up first but then I got a call from someone I know and now I <em> have </em> to meet them. It’s important, so I needed to fetch you quickly.”</p><p> </p><p>He nodded dumbly. <em> But that still doesn’t tell me why I’m here… </em></p><p> </p><p>Her phone vibrated and she released him to check the number.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck!” </p><p> </p><p>She looked back and forth, seemingly searching for something before lighting up like a bulb. </p><p> </p><p>“Ah, Nagisa-kun!” </p><p> </p><p>An unruly shock of white hair turned and red eyes locked onto blue.</p><p> </p><p>Shinji’s mind flew out of NERV and back to his high school biology lecture that was somehow still ingrained in his memories. Mr. Kitano, his teacher at the time, taught him about the anatomy of the human eye and how images are perceived. Shinji memorized it by heart: images are transmitted by photons of light reflecting off of surfaces and into the eyeball. Before entering the pupil, the light passes through the cornea, a thin, transparent sheath of proteins and cells which refracts the light towards the pupil and into the lens. The lens' elastic ability allows it to change shape to focus the light into the retina composed of photoreceptors, where it will then convert the light into nerve impulses. Those impulses get sent to the brain to perceive the image, estimated to take about 13 milliseconds. 13 milliseconds is all it takes for an image to be recognized. 13 milliseconds is all it took for the light to reach his eye and process the image before him and into his brain. 13 milliseconds is all it took to see <em> him </em>. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tabris.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tabris was here. Tabris was in NERV, and Shinji was breathing the same air as him. </p><p> </p><p>As he grew closer, Shinji let out a quiet gasp at the tremors that ran through his body like an army of ants skittering up and down his back, nipping at the expanse of his flesh. Tabris was about five feet away from them now and was only growing nearer. Shinji thought that maybe the ants were a sign, a sign that told him to maybe run and <em> hide </em>(what was it called? Fight-or-flight instinct? Yeah, probably. Mr. Kitano sure taught him a lot. Why was he remembering all that, by the way?). During that duration, the other boy kept his gaze on Shinji and Shinji alone. </p><p> </p><p>Tabris smiled at him.</p><p> </p><p>“What a coincidence! Nagisa-kun, just the one I was looking for!” Misato cheered, clapping her hands together. </p><p> </p><p>Tabris redirected his attention to Misato and regarded her with a bow,  “Katsuragi-san.”</p><p> </p><p>Misato snorted and gave him a slap on the back. It looked quite hard, but surprisingly, he did not appear deterred in the slightest. </p><p> </p><p>“Loosen up, kid! You’re as stiff as a log, I swear to God. You’re so serious all the time!” </p><p> </p><p>He tilted his head but otherwise ignored her comment, “What did you call me for, Katsuragi-san?”</p><p> </p><p>“Straight to the point, eh?”</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head at his directness and motioned to Shinji. Shinji gawked at her and tensed at the mention.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Me!? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I have some business to attend to so I need you to give him a tour around NERV. He’s in your hands now, so take care of him for me!”</p><p> </p><p>She turned to Shinji and gave him a thumbs up before she practically sprinted out the lobby, whisper-screaming at the cellphone wedged between her cheek and shoulder. Shinji’s hand feebly raised in the direction of where Misato once stood, a weak attempt at calling her back. A smooth chuckle sounded in the desolate lobby, forcing Shinji to slowly turn and look at <em> him </em>. Tabris adopted his signature relaxed posture, hands at his pockets and shoulders slumped. He wore a feline grin and stared at Shinji, unblinking. </p><p> </p><p>“She’s quite the personality, isn’t she?”</p><p> </p><p>Belatedly, Shinji realized that he was being spoken to… by Tabris. Tabris was talking to him. Him, Shinji -- Shinji Ikari. Tabris was talking to Shinji Ikari. He also realized that he had said nothing within the 15 seconds that transpired and that 15 seconds was an unnaturally long length of time of standing and doing nothing. He also,<em> also </em> realized that ‘talking’ wasn’t necessarily the correct word, as it’s present tense. ‘Talked’ would be the more suitable word, as it’s past tense and Tabris wasn’t talking to him, he <em> talked </em> to him and was probably still waiting for Shinji to answer so ‘talked’ could turn into ‘talking’. He swallowed thickly and forced out an answer before he could make a fool out of himself in front of his idol. </p><p> </p><p>He went for a casual laugh but came out as a strangled noise instead. His face burned. <em> Shit. Crap. Fuck. Abort mission. Fucking abort mission!!  </em></p><p> </p><p>Tabris made no reaction to Shinji’s blunder and cocked his head casually.</p><p> </p><p>“Shall we go?”</p><p> </p><p>By some mystical forces, Shinji was actually able to talk! He cleared his throat (he did <em> not </em>want a repeat) and managed a response that didn’t make him sound pubescent, “Yeah, let’s go...”</p><p> </p><p>With a swift turn of the heel, Tabris started walking forwards while he hummed a familiar tune. Shinji lagged behind him, trailing his shadow. </p><p> </p><p>Tabris was clueless; he had no idea that Shinji was his fan… His <em> biggest </em> fan. Wasn’t aware that Shinji attended almost all of his concerts, that Shinji bought all of his albums. Shinji didn’t doubt that if he knew, he’d treat Shinji delicately, sweetly, maybe even provide some fan service as he always did with his fans. But... perhaps it was best if he didn’t know... A part of him wanted to be acknowledged, but a stronger part of him was curious to see how Tabris acted towards people who presumably knew nothing about him -- a stranger. </p><p> </p><p>Compared to just minutes before, Shinji found that breathing was easier when Tabris wasn’t looking at him. People never looked at him like that, people never looked at him, period. He was always the one who looked at people, and he was always the one who looked at Tabris. Even now, he watched as the silky tufts of white bobbed at each step the other boy took. He was so hyper focused on how the fluorescent lights striked the strands of Tabris’ hair that he didn’t notice the hard body in front of him until he collided right into it. He stumbled back, startled. </p><p> </p><p>“I-I..! I didn’t see! I’m--”</p><p> </p><p>Apparently, bumping into Tabris wasn’t the only thing that made Shinji a total dolt, as he proceeded to ever so eloquently trip on his shoelace. Bracing for impact, he screwed his eyes shut.</p><p> </p><p>One second.</p><p> </p><p>Two seconds.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Huh? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He felt it before he could confirm it himself -- a hand at his waist. The palpitations threatened to burst through his chest cavity. He would grip it right now if he wasn’t for the compromising position he was at the moment. </p><p> </p><p>“Ikari-kun, are you alright?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His name!? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>All embarrassment left his body as soon as he heard <em> his </em> name come from <em> that </em>voice. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tabris said my name… Tabris knows my name…!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>With the speed of a tortoise, Shinji opened his eyes. The light overhead shaded Tabris’ face and casted a ring of light that framed his head, creating some sort of artificial halo.</p><p> </p><p>Gently, he lifted Shinji back up to full height. Shinji swayed a bit and used Tabris’ shoulders to steady himself, too thrown off axis to be fully aware of the current situation. </p><p> </p><p>“How… How do you know my name…?”</p><p> </p><p>Tabris’ tender smile turned into a smirk. Shinji hoped the tremble that climbed up his body went unnoticed. </p><p> </p><p>“Katsuragi-san told me a lot about you. She has a tendency to go off tangents concerning her personal life, especially when she’s intoxicated, which is often.” </p><p> </p><p>Shinji begrudgingly cursed Misato and reminded himself to confront her about her drinking habits later. </p><p> </p><p>“Ugh… She didn’t say anything embarrassing about me, did she?”</p><p> </p><p>Tabris laughed, his eyes crinkling up into crescent moons. Shinji offhandedly noticed that he did not have crow’s feet in the corner of his eyes. It reminded him of one of those porcelain dolls. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, nothing really. Just that you’re her cute little ‘Shinji-kun’ and that you play the cello. It seems that she was right about the cute part after all.” </p><p> </p><p>Shinji’s face bloomed into an even warmer shade than what was thought to be humanly possible and was suddenly extremely aware about his hands on Tabris’ shoulders and the hand that still rested on his waist. The realization made him withdraw his hold, eliciting another laugh from Tabris.</p><p> </p><p>Just then, Tabris’ phone vibrated from his pocket and he fished it out to briefly scan it over. He tucked it back in and retracted his hand from Shinji’s waist. It felt cold without it. </p><p> </p><p>“It looks like I’ll be summoned soon. Shall we start the tour now?” </p><p> </p><p>Shinji nodded and they resumed walking, side-by-side this time, only because Tabris asked.</p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t want you to get lost, Ikari-kun,” he had explained. </p><p> </p><p>They walked into the elevator and waited for the second floor. </p><p> </p><p>In the corner of his eye, he saw Tabris tilt his head upwards, a finger hooked around his chin. He looked to be deep in thought. Shinji wondered what he was thinking about. </p><p> </p><p>The elevator dinged, indicating their arrival to the second floor. He stepped out and began walking, only stopping once he noticed that Tabris was no longer beside him.</p><p> </p><p>He turned around, confused to find that Tabris had not set a foot out of the elevator.</p><p> </p><p>“Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa,” Tabris spoke, eyes hidden behind his fringe.</p><p> </p><p>“Excuse me..?”</p><p> </p><p>Tabris then looked up with the brightest smile Shinji’s ever seen from him. </p><p> </p><p>“My name, it’s Kaworu Nagisa.”</p><p><br/><br/>Of course, Shinji already knew that, but Tabris didn’t and Shinji planned to keep it that way. Still, he felt weirdly caught off guard nonetheless, even as the information given to him was redundant. </p><p> </p><p>“But you can call me Kaworu, Ikari-kun.”</p><p> </p><p>This time, Shinji didn’t bother to fight the urge to blush. He was too busy looking at Tab--<em> Kaworu</em>, Kaworu’s eyes and the way they seemed to glimmer like rubies.</p><p> </p><p>Shinji smiled for the first time that day.</p><p> </p><p>“Just Shinji’s fine for me, too.” </p><p>
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</p><p>The tour was more fun than Shinji thought. Initially, he thought it would be too much to handle, heavy, like when Kaworu first arrived. Unexpectedly, the two talked a lot (though, Kaworu did most of the talking, but it was okay, he liked listening to Kaworu talk). Shinji also learnt something new about Kaworu, which was surprising considering Shinji thought that he knew everything that he needed to know about him. It turned out that Kaworu was a big fan of classical music and that he played the piano and violin, a big contrast to the trendy pop songs his group sang to. For once, Shinji had Misato to thank for spilling to Kaworu about him, as Kaworu became impossibly radiant when Shinji talked about his cello. </p><p> </p><p>After hours of walking around the building, the two eventually made their way back to the lobby. When they returned they spotted Misato, arms crossed and foot tapping rapidly.</p><p> </p><p>“What took you two so long? The last time I checked, NERV wasn’t<em> that </em> big,” she questioned, voice stern.</p><p> </p><p>The professional side of Misato jumped out every now and then whenever her work was involved, but that didn’t mean that Shinji was used to it. In fact, he shrunk just a bit at the rigidity of her tone and icy glare. Meanwhile, Kaworu ementated the tranquility of a Monet painting. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry about that, Katsuragi-san,” Kaworu answered for him. “We got a little lost, so it took awhile to find our way back.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji blinked. That was a lie. Kaworu made it sound like he knew nothing about NERV when he actually knew exactly where everything was and was an excellent tour guide. He provided interesting facts about the building and was nothing but courteous to Shinji the whole time. </p><p> </p><p>Misato raised her eyebrow, studying Kaworu’s face. His face remained inscrutable, his usual smile still in place. A few seconds of their staring contest passed before she kneaded her temples and clicked her tongue.</p><p> </p><p>“Gosh, I tell you to go give him a tour, only for you guys to get lost. Nagisa-kun, you’ve been here for what, a week now?”</p><p> </p><p>“With all due respect, but that’s hardly enough time to memorize the entire layout of NERV, don’t you think, Katsuragi-san?”</p><p> </p><p>Misato seemed fed up with him as she just sighed and tapped her watch.</p><p> </p><p> “Anyways, let’s go, Shinji-kun. You should probably get back to practice, Nagisa-kun. That “tour” was long overdue. The staff are probably turning this place upside down looking for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Kaworu mock-saluted, back exaggeratedly straightened like a soldier.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, yes, Captain Katsuragi.”</p><p> </p><p>Misato huffed, looked between the two of them, huffed again and then ruffled Kaworu’s hair, making it an even fluffier mess than it already was.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to be the death of me, kid.” She turned to Shinji, “Let’s go, Shinji-kun.”</p><p> </p><p>With that, she once again sped off, seemingly expecting Shinji to follow her.</p><p> </p><p>The two remained rooted in place. Neither one made a move to leave first. Shinji scavenged the cavities of his brain for what to say next. After all that talking, the difficulty of finding what to say returned.</p><p> </p><p>Though, it looked like he didn’t need to say anything as Kaworu spoke first, saving Shinji before he could implode from all the mental strain he was giving himself over what to say.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s right, we sure did take our time. Though, I don’t regret it. I did enjoy talking to you today, Shinji-kun.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji ducked his head to hide his growing blush. Kaworu always had his way with words, but something about the way his voice quieted made Shinji believe that he was earnest.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you… I.. I had fun too.” </p><p> </p><p>He kept his eyes cast downwards, unwilling to gauge Kaworu’s reaction.</p><p> </p><p>Kaworu chuckled, “I reaffirm my statement, you really are adorable, Shinji-kun.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he looked up at Kaworu, face hot.</p><p> </p><p>“K-K-K-Kaworu-kun...!”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s true, Shinji-kun. Nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s simply an objective observation.”</p><p> </p><p>Another buzz emitted from Kaworu’s pocket but he did not make a move to check it. </p><p> </p><p>“I guess my time’s up. They’ve been insistent that I return.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji spluttered, not knowing that he’s been holding up Kaworu - ever so kind Kaworu - who took the time to tour Shinji when he was already busy with his own affairs. </p><p> </p><p>“Have they been trying to reach you this whole time!? I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji’s been so preoccupied with talking to Kaworu that all he could hear was Kaworu’s voice. The buzzing from his pocket was actually a lot louder than it seemed, now that he thought about it. It’s just that Kaworu’s voice drowned out everything else…</p><p> </p><p>“No need to apologize, you hardly did anything wrong. I was the one who chose to ignore them so I’m the one responsible. Besides, like I said before, I enjoyed talking with you and the feeling was mutual. What harm could have possibly been done? If we both had a good time, then isn’t that all that matters?”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji’s mouth hung open, yet again at a loss of words. Shinji never looked at it that way. His worries of burdening Kaworu washed away like a depression on the beach sand. </p><p> </p><p>“But it appears that I truly must go now. I hope I see you soon, Shinji-kun. We should duet next time, a piano and cello. Or, a violin and cello, whichever you prefer. Either way, I’ll be looking forward to it.” </p><p> </p><p>Just when Shinji thought he’d leave, he leaned in and whispered in Shinji’s ear, “Oh, and do be careful next time. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt. A musician’s hands are his most prized possession.”</p><p> </p><p>His arms, his legs, his breathing -- everything felt frozen over, rendered useless for him to reply, even as Kaworu pried open his fingers and placed something into his palm. He gave Shinji one last smile before he turned, hands in his pockets and humming the same familiar tune. Shinji watched him until his figure turned into a tiny dot and disappeared. When he was out of sight, he opened his palm and looked to see what Kaworu placed inside it. In his palm laid a band aid, a pink, Hello Kitty-themed band aid. </p><p> </p><p>Kaworu was more observant than he let out. </p><p>
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</p><p>---</p><p>
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</p><p>Misato didn’t yank him all the way to NERV for nothing (though, he would argue that meeting Kaworu wasn’t for nothing. He would never tell her that, of course), he noted as they walked down the halls. He recognized these halls, despite being relatively foreign to the NERV building. This hall was the hall that led to the producing studios. Misato stopped at a door and knocked. A middle-aged bearded man with long hair opened the door and welcomed them in. Misato introduced him as Shiro Sagisu, one of NERV’s star producers. Misato and him engaged in some lively small talk (Misato’s energy levels were beyond him. How could someone be so excitable over small talk?) while Shinji sat quietly, fiddling with his fingers. When the man questioned him about his cello playing, however, he turned to Misato in question. Misato explained that he brought him here because Sagisu was looking for a cello player for his new piece and that she thought that Shinji would be a perfect fit. Shinji’s impulse was to reject the offer. He couldn’t play for him! There were so much better people than Shinji anyways, so why him? However, these thoughts were kept to himself. All he could settle for was, “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>It was Sagisu then who stepped in, “Ikari-kun, I’ve heard you play and I have to say that I’ve heard nothing like it. You’re a genius for your age, the piece I’ve heard from you is notorious for its difficulty. Katsuragi-san showed me the clip from one of your recitals.”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji hardly believed what the man was saying. Him? Genius? What was so special about his playing? He suspected that the man was just a cheapskate who wasn’t willing to pay for an actual, professional player. Heck, not even a professional, just someone who was better than Shinji, which was probably a third of the population!</p><p> </p><p>“I… I’m sorry, I can’t do it.”</p><p> </p><p>It was Misato who roughly grabbed his shoulders, making him face her. </p><p> </p><p>“Shinji-kun, but you must! Sagisu-san sees talent in you, and so do I!”</p><p> </p><p>Shinji peered at the reflection of himself in the depths of Misato’s hard eyes. It stared right back at him. He turned away. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Miss Misato. I can’t.”</p><p> </p><p>She squeezed his biceps and he winced. At first he thought she was going to raise her voice, yell, maybe, but nothing came. Her voice was levelled and she spoke calmly, “It’s for Nagisa-kun.”</p><p> </p><p>He snapped his head back to her. Did he hear that right?</p><p> </p><p>“Kaworu.... kun?”</p><p> </p><p>She nodded, “Yes, Kaworu, Tabris. He’s having a solo comeback very soon and he wants to do a classical piece. I think that he would appreciate it a lot if you played for his song. I saw you two talking earlier, you’re close, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>Did they really look close? Kaworu and him? What did outsiders think when they saw them together? Were they like Misato too? </p><p> </p><p>Shinji swallowed, throat suddenly feeling dry.</p><p> </p><p>“We… we looked close?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, yes you did. He really liked talking to you, I saw it.”</p><p> </p><p>His eyes blew up at that. Kaworu <em> did </em> say that… He also said that he wanted to have a duet with him, Shinji with his cello... He trained his eyes to the floor and let himself think for a moment. Kaworu… The sole thought of him made butterflies flutter in his chest. Kaworu made him so happy today. Kaworu <em> always </em> made him happy. Shinji remembered his smile and thought about how much more luminous it looked in person; his appearance behind the screen waned in comparison. Would playing the cello… make Kaworu happy? </p><p> </p><p>Shinji looked up, eyes blazing. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll do it.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Time passed in slow motion, everything seemed to blur into one big mirage like on the dunes of a hazy desert. By the time they were done with discussing and planning everything out, Shinji was finally dismissed. Misato offered him a ride back home but he politely declined and told her that he would be fine, he felt like taking the train.</p><p> </p><p>He sat near the door and watched the scenery pass by as he listened to his SDAT. He tried observing the trees and the buildings, tried making out its shapes and its fine details that made it unique from the rest, but the train was going too fast so it was pointless. They all swiped past the window frame and vanished, like they were never really there. Soon he gave up and let himself get lost in the music. Absentmindedly, he brushed his thumb along the Hello Kitty band aid.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As you may have noticed, this chapter is substantially longer than the last one to the point where it's ridiculously disproportionate. I could've divided it into two parts but I just felt like everything that happened needed to be condensed into this one chapter. </p><p>Also, so sorry for the wait..! Been busy with school and stuff (unfortunately). I'll try to get the next chapter out quicker. </p><p>Thanks for taking the time to read this mess!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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